So I was just watching Harry Potter (the 5th one, if you must know) on TV and it got me thinking about the forthcoming final two movies in the series. No, you didn't miss a book, they divided the last book into two movies. This is not my point, however. What I really got into a froth about was Dumbeldore's revealed homosexuality by author J.K. Rowling after the conclusion of the series. I still see this statement as something of an attempt at a publicity grab by the author since no one knew this about Dumbledore until Rowling stated such; meaning that this aspect of the character clearly had no bearing on him or the story. HOWEVER, and this is a big damn however (notice the caps), this shows Rowling's talent as an author in her dedication to thoroughly defining her characters. Contradictory? Stay with me. I simply wish that Rowling had explored this to some extent within the books so that it would indisputably be considered canon rather than an "Oh, by the way..." after the series' conclusion. Especially because Dumbledore is such a magnificently virtuous character that also completely avoids any type of stereotypical characteristic often attributed to homosexual characters found in fiction of any medium. "Dumbledore is this character...that just happens to be gay. Now move along, dear reader." I think this could have done a lot for pushing forward the portrayal of homosexual characters in all forms of fiction.
Where the actual bitching comes in (the previous was just whining) is the reaction of certain members of the public to this assertion, primarily Christian groups. Side note: why is it that so many Christian groups use the guise of religous virtue in order to do and say some of the most offensive, bigoted things ever witnessed? (read: not the kind of things normally referred to as "being a good christian") For example:
Christian author Berit Kjos "[Dumbledore's sexuality] helps us show others that these books should not be used in the churches to illustrate Christianity. Because Dumbledore has been revealed as a homosexual, it helps me communicate my message"
Actually I tend to agree. Anything displaying both independent thinking and tolerance really shouldn't be used to "illustrate Christianity" because that's just false advertising.
Next up, Linda Harvey, president of Mission America: "Will we allow our kids to believe it would be perfectly appropriate for the headmaster of any school to be homosexual?"
My favorite part about this one is that the author asks the question as though the obvious answer is no, as in "No, it's not OK to be homosexual." I have to say, that's just Palinesque.
As stupid as that was, this next one may very well be my favorite.
Roberta Combs, President of the Christian Coalition of America: "It's very disappointing that the author would have to make one of the characters gay...It's not a good example for our children, who really like the books and the movies. It encourages homosexuality."
Ahh yes, the old assertion that being exposed to homosexuality encourages one to be homosexual. That's why straight parents never raise gay children, right? More importantly, remember all of 3 minutes ago when I rambled on about Dumbledore's homosexuality never coming up in any of the books or movies thus far? And about what an outstanding example of virtue and altruism the character is? So where's this example of an evil, child-corrupting homosexual that children are being exposed to through the books and movies? Nowhere, but since when did loudmouth zealots need something superfluous like evidence?
I'm not done though, this act of people who have likely never even read the books using them as ammunition for their thoroughly Palinesque agenda reminded me of the fate sexual content in video games often suffer, one instance in particular. I know I'm now in serious danger of simply echoing the last article I posted, but again I must ask that you stay with me.
Anyone remember Mass Effect? Hugely successful game, even more successful sequel that came out this year? Yeah, that's the one.
Well back when the game was first released there was a big hooplah over the fact that the game allowed characters the choice of engaging in a sexual relationship with another character. In particular a perceived lesbian relationship. Technically the relationship isn't lesbian in nature since one of the characters is neither male nor female, but that is entirely beside the point. What is the point is that one especially untalented Conservative writer, a Kevin McCullough, had a few things to say about this game that he never played or even saw. Let's have a look at some of his choice phrases now, shall we?
"It's called "Mass Effect" and it allows its players - universally male no doubt - to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived. One can custom design the shape, form, bodies, race, hair style, breast size of the images they wish to "engage" and then watch in crystal clear, LCD, 54 inch screen, HD clarity as the video game "persons" hump in every form, format, multiple, gender-oriented possibility they can think of."
And because of the digital chip age in which we live - "Mass Effect" can be customized to sodomize whatever, whoever, however, the game player wishes.
With it's "over the net" capabilities virtual orgasmic rape is just the push of a button away."
The important thing to remember is that NONE OF THIS EVEN APPROACHES ANYTHING THAT ATTEMPTS TO PRESENT ITSELF AS SOMETHING CLOSE TO RESEMBLING THE TRUTH. This cannot be emphasized enough. In fact, the article was so fallacious that the author later issued a completely half-hearted and backhanded apology. You can find that yourself if you really want to see. Even thinking about it brings the bile raised in the back of my throat by the previous article to dangerous levels. In fact, you can't even find the original article anymore, because the host site (uber-conservative townhall.com) took it down. Instead, clicking a link to the article brings you to a more or less blank page. The best part of all, is that not only does this king of the asshats have the influence to get an article so full of fabrications and outright lies published in the first place...he has a book. Wait so... I mean...and I can't get decent any kind of decent work as a writer? Are you kidding me? Am I being Punk'd? Where are the cameras?
In an effort to prove just how big and pungent a load of BS Asshat McDouchebags statements are, I will now show you a YouTube video of the ONE AND ONLY sex scene in Mass Effect. The only possible differences are in which characters are involved, nothing else changes. While the video is on YouTube, which does not allow nudity (hear that McCullough?) I will warn you that there is about 1 1/2 seconds of visible buttcrack and a brief glimpse of sideboob.
Also important to note: in order to even achieve the possibility of this scene, the player has to put in about 20-30 hours worth of work to develop the relationship. I know this because I have actually played the game, unlike the douchetool that inspired this particular aspect of this rant.
Although I really shouldn't be surprised at stuff like this making it's way into legitimate news publications when it's in a country that thinks like this.
Yes, apparently the depiction of "a man and woman having sex" is the most offensive thing to see in a video game, followed by "two men kissing" and then "the graphic depiction of a severed head." Think about that for a second. Let it sink in.
Now imagine this:
You're walking through the park, you see two men kissing. Assuming you even notice this, I doubt it would be very offensive. Unless of course your uber-conservative and/or homophobic.
Continuing on your walk, you see two people having sex. Odd...they are in public after all. You'd probably take more notice at this, maybe pull out your phone to take a quick pic or video to later show your friends and go "this was in the park, wtf? hahaha"
Moving on, you see a severed head sitting on a bench. What do you do? According to the poll, you should just shrug, and go "Sucks to be you." But it's more likely you'll scream and call the police.
So why do the rules change so much when these things happen in a movie or video game? If we ever find a way to tap into stupidity as an energy source, it looks like the conservative and "religious" asshats could keep the entire planet powered until our sun expands and destroys the planet. I doubt we'd even need to have an "off" switch on anything anymore...
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Gratuitous Violence? AWESOME! Gratuitous Nudity? What the Hell is Wrong With You?
I love internet forums. They give me so much ammunition for rants about the stupidity of society in general.
Recently IGN wrote an article about the foursome with Aphrodite and two of her handmaidens (oh, there are so many jokes right there) the player character Kratos can engage in. This inevitably led to a discussion about the depiction of sex in video games, more specifically: how it seems to offend everyone that likes the game for the creative ways to decapitate, disembowel, eviscerate and otherwise graphically maim enemies. Severed head: goooood, boobies: BAD!
Allow me to share some of the more relevant parts of the discussion (read: the parts that I wrote.)
the_Willard:
psh, that's because the boobs in Dante's Inferno are purely gratuitous while the sex minigames in GoW have always been used in a more humorous, tongue-in-cheek way.
OK...that seems kinda backwards.
Well at least sex/nudity isn't the only thing that garners attention or controversy while the excessive violence is pretty much ignored.
Oh...alright. I give up, people are just f*%#ing stupid.
(please note: I own and love the first two God of War games, will be buying the third and Dante's Inferno was a big steaming pile of mediocrity doing anything for attention)
KennedyX8:
Yeah, developers can get away with a lot under the "M" rating. I wonder why they don't utilize it? I won't complain about more boobs in games.
LemonOut:
If you want more boobs, go watch porn. There are people who actually want to play a video game, and not watch some dialed up pixelated sex scene. Save the nudity for the movies, nobody needs to pixelated private parts. Violence fine. Nudity isn't necessary to tell a story or play a video game.
the_Willard:
Actually the video game rating system is far more strict than the rating system applied to movies. You can't get away with half the stuff in an M-rate game that you could in an R-rated movie, especially when it comes to nudity and/or sex.
For example...
Movie: Hostel - first half hour or so is all boobs and casual sex. Rest of the movie is gratuitous, over-the-top and extremely graphic depictions of violence, i.e. holes drilled in legs, achilles tendons sliced, fingers chainsawed off, eyeballs popped out with blowtorch, etc.
Game: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - majority of game is violence related to gang activity such as gunfighting or "fisticuffs" with very little graphic depiction aside from the occasional showing of blood. There is one possibility for sex and the depiction of boobs that not only requires significant technical knowledge to modify the game and a considerable time investment to develop a relationship with the chosen female partner but also remains entirely optional for the player.
Let's review: Movie - Gratuitous nudity and violence throughout. Extremely graphic depictions of violence. Numerous depictions of bare breasts, but no truly graphic depictions of sex acts. Minimalist story used as vehicle for "torture porn."
Rating: R (supposed game equivalent: M)
Game: Violence and sex integral to story of main character being dragged back in to a world of violence and the effect each has on affected character(s) and their relationships. Limited graphical depiction of both.
Rating: A-O (Supposed movie equivalent: NC-17)
Seems kinda uneven, don't it?
And anyone that says sex and/or nudity has no place as part of a story (movie or video game) is exceptionally delusional. Sex is an important port of any developed adult relationship and is a definitive sign of the status and importance of that relationship. Knowing certain characters have a sexual relationship changes the view of what those characters mean to each other and has a greater effect on sympathy when that relationship is threatened and even how it is threatened.
Sex is also effective in displaying the amorality of a character. Chuck Palahniuk's book Choke, for example (let's ignore the movie for now). This is a story about a sex addict, how he got to be the way that he is, what effect it has on his life and what effect it has on the lives of others. The story doesn't really work without sex and is considerably handicapped without a graphic depiction of the sex to show the depravity of both the acts and the lengths the character goes to in order to accomplish his sexual goals.
As for God of War...the nudity/sex is completely gratuitous. As I said before, it's tongue-in-cheek, it's played for giggles. Just like numerous scenes in every sex comedy ever made. This is a game that has spent much time touting the new technology the creators developed enabling realistic depiction of disembowelings, but digital boobies are a no-no? If it really bothers you that much to see some boobs and an off-screen depiction of sex...don't do it. As with the first two games it is entirely optional, all you have to do is...nothing. But if you're really perfectly OK with, and even cheer, impaling a guy with the arm you just tore from his torso, pulling an eyeball out of a cyclops's head or slicing a monster open and watching its organs spill out but the site of a pair of bare breasts makes you cry...well I think we've just found a new topic you should discuss with your therapist.
Recently IGN wrote an article about the foursome with Aphrodite and two of her handmaidens (oh, there are so many jokes right there) the player character Kratos can engage in. This inevitably led to a discussion about the depiction of sex in video games, more specifically: how it seems to offend everyone that likes the game for the creative ways to decapitate, disembowel, eviscerate and otherwise graphically maim enemies. Severed head: goooood, boobies: BAD!
Allow me to share some of the more relevant parts of the discussion (read: the parts that I wrote.)
the_Willard:
Phillman21 posted:
Ok so they go on about one little sex mini game. But not the thousands of boobs you see in Dante's inferno or the devils dick at the end. People need to stop hating lol.
psh, that's because the boobs in Dante's Inferno are purely gratuitous while the sex minigames in GoW have always been used in a more humorous, tongue-in-cheek way.
OK...that seems kinda backwards.
Well at least sex/nudity isn't the only thing that garners attention or controversy while the excessive violence is pretty much ignored.
Oh...alright. I give up, people are just f*%#ing stupid.
(please note: I own and love the first two God of War games, will be buying the third and Dante's Inferno was a big steaming pile of mediocrity doing anything for attention)
KennedyX8:
Yeah, developers can get away with a lot under the "M" rating. I wonder why they don't utilize it? I won't complain about more boobs in games.
LemonOut:
If you want more boobs, go watch porn. There are people who actually want to play a video game, and not watch some dialed up pixelated sex scene. Save the nudity for the movies, nobody needs to pixelated private parts. Violence fine. Nudity isn't necessary to tell a story or play a video game.
the_Willard:
KennedyX8 posted:
Yeah, developers can get away with a lot under the "M" rating. I wonder why they don't utilize it? I won't complain about more boobs in games.
Actually the video game rating system is far more strict than the rating system applied to movies. You can't get away with half the stuff in an M-rate game that you could in an R-rated movie, especially when it comes to nudity and/or sex.
For example...
Movie: Hostel - first half hour or so is all boobs and casual sex. Rest of the movie is gratuitous, over-the-top and extremely graphic depictions of violence, i.e. holes drilled in legs, achilles tendons sliced, fingers chainsawed off, eyeballs popped out with blowtorch, etc.
Game: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - majority of game is violence related to gang activity such as gunfighting or "fisticuffs" with very little graphic depiction aside from the occasional showing of blood. There is one possibility for sex and the depiction of boobs that not only requires significant technical knowledge to modify the game and a considerable time investment to develop a relationship with the chosen female partner but also remains entirely optional for the player.
Let's review: Movie - Gratuitous nudity and violence throughout. Extremely graphic depictions of violence. Numerous depictions of bare breasts, but no truly graphic depictions of sex acts. Minimalist story used as vehicle for "torture porn."
Rating: R (supposed game equivalent: M)
Game: Violence and sex integral to story of main character being dragged back in to a world of violence and the effect each has on affected character(s) and their relationships. Limited graphical depiction of both.
Rating: A-O (Supposed movie equivalent: NC-17)
Seems kinda uneven, don't it?
And anyone that says sex and/or nudity has no place as part of a story (movie or video game) is exceptionally delusional. Sex is an important port of any developed adult relationship and is a definitive sign of the status and importance of that relationship. Knowing certain characters have a sexual relationship changes the view of what those characters mean to each other and has a greater effect on sympathy when that relationship is threatened and even how it is threatened.
Sex is also effective in displaying the amorality of a character. Chuck Palahniuk's book Choke, for example (let's ignore the movie for now). This is a story about a sex addict, how he got to be the way that he is, what effect it has on his life and what effect it has on the lives of others. The story doesn't really work without sex and is considerably handicapped without a graphic depiction of the sex to show the depravity of both the acts and the lengths the character goes to in order to accomplish his sexual goals.
As for God of War...the nudity/sex is completely gratuitous. As I said before, it's tongue-in-cheek, it's played for giggles. Just like numerous scenes in every sex comedy ever made. This is a game that has spent much time touting the new technology the creators developed enabling realistic depiction of disembowelings, but digital boobies are a no-no? If it really bothers you that much to see some boobs and an off-screen depiction of sex...don't do it. As with the first two games it is entirely optional, all you have to do is...nothing. But if you're really perfectly OK with, and even cheer, impaling a guy with the arm you just tore from his torso, pulling an eyeball out of a cyclops's head or slicing a monster open and watching its organs spill out but the site of a pair of bare breasts makes you cry...well I think we've just found a new topic you should discuss with your therapist.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
King and Queen of Moronia. (Where knights jousted from atop dinosaurs!)
(click to stuper-size)
When White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel made the outstandingly smooth move of referring to a group of liberal activists as "fucking retarded" (did he think that because it was a closed meeting no one would hear about it? Genius Rahm, really...) Sarah Palin was all over it. She likened it to use of the N-word (Which I actually agree with on some level. And let's be clear, actually agreeing with Palin on something forces me to choke back a particularly foul flavor of vomit) and called for him to be fired, via a Facebook post no less. While I think Mrs. Palin (whose email account was "hacked" by using information that can be found under the "Sarah Palin" entry on wikipedia) should probably stay away from such "technologically advanced" mediums such as Facebook, as a parent of a child with Down Syndrome, she has a good reason to be pissed off about the comment. Apparently when it comes to Rush Limbaugh, however, it's perfectly OK to use the R-word, at least in Palin's book.
Maybe only Republican's can use the R-word. You know...because Republican starts with an R, like how African Americans can use the N-word because...AGH! Trying to lower my mental function to that capable of understanding Sarah Palin's reasoning causes blood to trickle from my ear before I get 2/3 of the way there, sorry.
On to the Rush Limbaugh side of the story, he decided to take Rahm's comment and use it as some type of "see, I told you so" blanket statement about all liberals and dropped the R-bomb several times during a rant on his radio show:
I think the big news is the crackup going on. Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult has taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.
I mean, these liberal activists are kooks. They are loony tunes. And I'm not going to apologize for it, I'm just quoting Emanuel. It's in the news. I think the news is that he's out there calling Obama's number one supporters effing retards. So now there's going to be a meeting. There's going to be a retard summit at the White House, much like the beer summit between Obama and Gates and that cop in Cambridge.
How does this guy still have supporters? Ah yes, I forget about the direction our population is heading. Anyway, Palin's reaction to this? Seems that it's A-OK in her book. In an appearance on Fox News, former Presidential Candidate Palin (really, is that how low the bar is now? Can I run next election?) had this to say:
"They are kooks, so I agree with Rush Limbaugh. Rush Limbaugh was using satire ... I didn't hear Rush Limbaugh calling a group of people whom he did not agree with 'f-ing retards,' and we did know that Rahm Emanuel, as has been reported, did say that. There is a big difference there"
I'm sorry, what? Maybe I need to check my definition of satire, hang on.
Satire:
And a quick review of Rush Limbaugh's rant:
I think the big news is the crackup going on. Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult has taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.
I mean, these liberal activists are kooks. They are loony tunes. And I'm not going to apologize for it, I'm just quoting Emanuel. It's in the news. I think the news is that he's out there calling Obama's number one supporters effing retards. So now there's going to be a meeting. There's going to be a retard summit at the White House, much like the beer summit between Obama and Gates and that cop in Cambridge.
Again I must say: I'm sorry, what? I fail to see how the "satire" theory lines up. Maybe it has something to do with having appeared on Limbaugh's show more than once. Unless of course Palin's thought process went something like this: Hmm, big word, big word, don't get it, OH! Ridicule, I know that one! I learned it during the campaign! Rush was ridiculing liberals, which makes it satire, so it's OK! Hypocrisy avoided! YESSSS! *high-fives herself* Considering this is a woman who claimed being able to see Russia from her home in Alaska qualified as foreign policy experience, I don't think that's too much of a stretch.
So, to make sure I have this all straight, "Rahm's slur on all God's children with cognitive and developmental disabilities - and the people who love them - is unacceptable, and it's heartbreaking." and he should be fired for having said such a thing, but it was OK for Limbaugh because it was "satire."
I don't...can't unders...hypocrisy shutting down brain...FUCK! Are you kidding me!? How do people this stupid manage to sit so high on the social, political and economic ladders? Both of these stains upon the face of America have LEGIONS of supporters all across the country. Some of them have even stated their willingness to vote for Palin should she run for the presidency herself. GOD DAMMIT! I wish I had the millions of dollars required to find all of these people, fly to their houses, slap them in the face and say "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Especially since a good number of these people live in "swing states" where their vote could actually cause that to happen whilst I, living in a "blue state," will have my vote count for absolutely nothing so long as the electoral college remains in play. Something that makes me powerless to stop such a travesty should it come to pass. Oh damnit. See what you did, you two? You actually managed to spread your joint stupidity so far that I've gotten on a rant about a different topic entirely. I hope you're happy. I better wrap this thing up before I somehow get started on Conservapedia or Glenn Beck.
So let me get my conclusion down before that happens. As long as I'm being satirical, I should be free to say that Palin and Limbaugh or both utter fucktards, right? Wrong. I've used the word "retard" and similar derivatives (see example from 13 words ago) to insult someone on more than one occasion, I know this. But I know I shouldn't, I know that it's bad and I scold myself for doing so. It's a habit, a bad one, like picking your nose or smoking. It's disgusting, and I'm trying to quit. What I don't do is attempt to rationalize my usage through one of the best examples of hypocrisy seen since the dawn of the English language. (I hear Merriam Webster is in talks to add it to the dictionary as an example, Mrs. Palin is reportedly excited to be included in such a widely read book) What Limbaugh said is bad enough, but Palin finding some backwards, nonsensical way to rationalize Limbaugh's statement is so stupid that the only word for it is "Palinesque." In fact , I think we should all do our best to stop using the word retard and use the word Palinesque instead. I'll even give it a definition to make it easier.
Palinesque:
an action or statement so far beyond stupid that one wonders if the person may be under the influence of chemical intoxication or recently suffered severe brain trauma.
Example: You don't understand why lighting a cigarette while pumping gas is bad? What are you, Palinesque?
Therefore, let me use a more politically correct closing. Both of you, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh, are fucking Palinesque as fucking fuck and should leave the real world alone and retire to the land of Moronia where you would rule as king and queen through your innate ability to be the most Palinesque fucking fucks to ever have existed. (Yes, that was actually more politically correct, sad isn't it?)
Satire:
| 1. | the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc. |
| 2. | a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule. |
| 3. | a literary genre comprising such compositions. |
And a quick review of Rush Limbaugh's rant:
I think the big news is the crackup going on. Our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult has taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards.
I mean, these liberal activists are kooks. They are loony tunes. And I'm not going to apologize for it, I'm just quoting Emanuel. It's in the news. I think the news is that he's out there calling Obama's number one supporters effing retards. So now there's going to be a meeting. There's going to be a retard summit at the White House, much like the beer summit between Obama and Gates and that cop in Cambridge.
Again I must say: I'm sorry, what? I fail to see how the "satire" theory lines up. Maybe it has something to do with having appeared on Limbaugh's show more than once. Unless of course Palin's thought process went something like this: Hmm, big word, big word, don't get it, OH! Ridicule, I know that one! I learned it during the campaign! Rush was ridiculing liberals, which makes it satire, so it's OK! Hypocrisy avoided! YESSSS! *high-fives herself* Considering this is a woman who claimed being able to see Russia from her home in Alaska qualified as foreign policy experience, I don't think that's too much of a stretch.
So, to make sure I have this all straight, "Rahm's slur on all God's children with cognitive and developmental disabilities - and the people who love them - is unacceptable, and it's heartbreaking." and he should be fired for having said such a thing, but it was OK for Limbaugh because it was "satire."
I don't...can't unders...hypocrisy shutting down brain...FUCK! Are you kidding me!? How do people this stupid manage to sit so high on the social, political and economic ladders? Both of these stains upon the face of America have LEGIONS of supporters all across the country. Some of them have even stated their willingness to vote for Palin should she run for the presidency herself. GOD DAMMIT! I wish I had the millions of dollars required to find all of these people, fly to their houses, slap them in the face and say "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Especially since a good number of these people live in "swing states" where their vote could actually cause that to happen whilst I, living in a "blue state," will have my vote count for absolutely nothing so long as the electoral college remains in play. Something that makes me powerless to stop such a travesty should it come to pass. Oh damnit. See what you did, you two? You actually managed to spread your joint stupidity so far that I've gotten on a rant about a different topic entirely. I hope you're happy. I better wrap this thing up before I somehow get started on Conservapedia or Glenn Beck.
So let me get my conclusion down before that happens. As long as I'm being satirical, I should be free to say that Palin and Limbaugh or both utter fucktards, right? Wrong. I've used the word "retard" and similar derivatives (see example from 13 words ago) to insult someone on more than one occasion, I know this. But I know I shouldn't, I know that it's bad and I scold myself for doing so. It's a habit, a bad one, like picking your nose or smoking. It's disgusting, and I'm trying to quit. What I don't do is attempt to rationalize my usage through one of the best examples of hypocrisy seen since the dawn of the English language. (I hear Merriam Webster is in talks to add it to the dictionary as an example, Mrs. Palin is reportedly excited to be included in such a widely read book) What Limbaugh said is bad enough, but Palin finding some backwards, nonsensical way to rationalize Limbaugh's statement is so stupid that the only word for it is "Palinesque." In fact , I think we should all do our best to stop using the word retard and use the word Palinesque instead. I'll even give it a definition to make it easier.
Palinesque:
an action or statement so far beyond stupid that one wonders if the person may be under the influence of chemical intoxication or recently suffered severe brain trauma.
Example: You don't understand why lighting a cigarette while pumping gas is bad? What are you, Palinesque?
Therefore, let me use a more politically correct closing. Both of you, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh, are fucking Palinesque as fucking fuck and should leave the real world alone and retire to the land of Moronia where you would rule as king and queen through your innate ability to be the most Palinesque fucking fucks to ever have existed. (Yes, that was actually more politically correct, sad isn't it?)
Now with extra stank!
Generally, when I buy deodorant I'm looking to avoid smelling like a sweaty, stinky man. This is why I don't understand something I saw while shopping the other day. Apparently Secret has a line of "Clinical Strength" for those with sweat glands that don't understand the concept of moderation. Now, while creating such a line makes sense, something doesn't seem to is the name of one of the scents contained therein: Marathon Fresh.
I'm sorry, what now? Marathon Fresh? As in fresh from a marathon? Isn't the whole reason one would by deodorant, clinical strength in particular, to avoid smelling like he just ran a marathon? Was this particular scent chosen by someone who has an odd sense of humor and an undying love for Krumm? Cause I'm pretty sure I don't work for Secret, and I was an Ickis fan anyway. Maybe they were trying to say that it will keep you fresh should you choose to run a marathon, or that it's a marathon of freshness, but I think those might actually be even more stupid than my original conclusion.
I'm sorry, what now? Marathon Fresh? As in fresh from a marathon? Isn't the whole reason one would by deodorant, clinical strength in particular, to avoid smelling like he just ran a marathon? Was this particular scent chosen by someone who has an odd sense of humor and an undying love for Krumm? Cause I'm pretty sure I don't work for Secret, and I was an Ickis fan anyway. Maybe they were trying to say that it will keep you fresh should you choose to run a marathon, or that it's a marathon of freshness, but I think those might actually be even more stupid than my original conclusion.
Friday, February 12, 2010
You can tell a lot about a society by its music...
It's one thing for an "artist" to get away with releasing a terrible, terrible song. It's another thing to do it on a regular basis. But it's nothing short of a sign of the coming apocalypse when these songs and "artists" become incredibly popular in a complete disregard for logic, reason, or taste. What makes it even worse is that most of them seem to have something that makes them ridiculously catchy, and you can't remove them from your head with a pipe snake. Allow me to throw up (pun intended) some lyrical excerpts as examples of just how prevalent this terrible, terrible tragedy has become. I apologize now for forcing you to relive these aural assaults, but it's the only way I know to prove my point. And for those of you that actually enjoy these songs, at least have the good sense to be ashamed of it.
Let's kick it off with the song that really seemed to kick of this trend (the rest are in no particular order of awfulness):
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Let me hear you say this shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
(This shit is bananas)
(B-A-N-A-N-A-S)
Again
This shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
(This shit is bananas)
(B-A-N-A-N-A-S)
A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Because I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
~Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl.
WTF!? I feel like she must have had some kind of bet to see how many times she could work the word "shit" into a pop song...and make people spell out the word banana.
Next up:
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance
I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it's free
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)
I want your drama
The touch of your hand
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)
~Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Alright, I know other musicians have gotten away with writing a slight variation on the same line over and over again and passing it off as a song, but this Lady isn't even speaking a known language for about 30% of the song.
Next:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh,
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
~Lady Gaga - Poker Face
Next:
Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah
Just zip your lips like a padlock
And meet me at the back with the jack and the jukebox
I dont really care where you live at
Just turn around boy and let me hit that
Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at
Music's up
Listen hot stuff
I'm in love
With this song
So just hush
Baby shut up
Heard enough
Stop talking that
Blah blah blah
Think you'll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah
Boy come on get your rocks off
Come put a little love in my glove box
I wanna dance with no pants on
Meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox
So cut to the chase kid
'Cause I know you don't care what my middle name is
I wanna be naked
But your wasted
~Ke$ha (Oh dear God.) - Blah Blah Blah
No, Kesha with a dollar sign, the only thing wasted were the aural neurons that just committed seppuku after hearing that crap. Just look at the title of the song, just look at the fucking title!
For the love of God, next!:
Wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P- Diddy (Hey what's up girl)
Grab ma glasses I'm out the door I'm gonna hit the city (Let's go)
Before I leave brush ma teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cuz when I leave for the night I ain't comin back
I'm talkin pedicure on our toes toes
Tryin on all our clothes clothes
Boys blowin' up our phones phones
Drop top and playin' our favorite CD's
Goin up to the parties
Tryna get a little bit tipsy
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Im'ma fight
Til we see the sunlight
TiK ToK, on the clock
But the party don't stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
~ Ke$ha - TiK ToK
The best part can't even be grasped in text format. That part where the music slows down like your audio system just died...oh Kesha with a dollar sign, you're so clever. We get it, your ability to convince people that the crap you come up with and belt out while hungover has earned you hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of dollars. That doesn't mean you should turn said crap into a breakdown of your creative process.
Speaking of which, next:
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know
I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go
I'd rather be at home with ray
I ain't got seventy days
Cause there's nothing
There's nothing you can teach me
That I can't learn from Mr Hathaway
I didn't get a lot in class
But I know it don't come in a shot glass
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know
I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go
The man said 'why do you think you here'
I said 'I got no idea
I'm gonna, I'm gonna lose my baby
so I always keep a bottle near'
He said 'I just think you're depressed,
this me, yeah baby, and the rest'
~ Amy Winehouse - Rehab
Now keep in mind this was pretty much the breakout hit for Ms. Winehouse, her starting point if you will. That's right, she started at having rehab recommended to her. Those of you that are familiar with this song probably think she should have gone. Those of you that have seen her perform it know she should have.
Alright, I'm going to stop now before I start getting into the Black-Eyed Peas and this article triples in length. But you can help stop this trend by donating your dollars to...actual musicians.
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl, I ain't no hollaback...SON OF A BITCH!
Let's kick it off with the song that really seemed to kick of this trend (the rest are in no particular order of awfulness):
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Let me hear you say this shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
(This shit is bananas)
(B-A-N-A-N-A-S)
Again
This shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
(This shit is bananas)
(B-A-N-A-N-A-S)
A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Because I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
Ooooh ooh, this my shit, this my shit
~Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl.
WTF!? I feel like she must have had some kind of bet to see how many times she could work the word "shit" into a pop song...and make people spell out the word banana.
Next up:
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance
Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la!
Want your bad romance
I want your ugly
I want your disease
I want your everything
As long as it's free
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)
I want your drama
The touch of your hand
I want your leather-studded kiss in the sand
I want your love
Love-love-love
I want your love
(Love-love-love I want your love)
~Lady Gaga - Bad Romance
Alright, I know other musicians have gotten away with writing a slight variation on the same line over and over again and passing it off as a song, but this Lady isn't even speaking a known language for about 30% of the song.
Next:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh,
I'll get him hot, show him what I've got
Can't read my,
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
Can't read my
Can't read my
No he can't read my poker face
(she's got me like nobody)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face
(Mum mum mum mah)
~Lady Gaga - Poker Face
Same idea, only here she used non-words to supplement stuttering and passed that off as singing. Going slightly off-topic, can we address her oft-mentioned sense of "fashion?" I, at least, think her habit of spouting nonsense to a beat is as much an attempt to hide her lack of songwriting ability as wearing ridiculous Halloween costumes, wigs and giant face-covering sunglasses is at hiding the fact that she is busted.
(click for a better view of Rodent GaGa)
(click for a better view of Rodent GaGa)
Next:
Coming out your mouth with your blah blah blah
Just zip your lips like a padlock
And meet me at the back with the jack and the jukebox
I dont really care where you live at
Just turn around boy and let me hit that
Don't be a little bitch with your chit chat
Just show me where your dick's at
Music's up
Listen hot stuff
I'm in love
With this song
So just hush
Baby shut up
Heard enough
Stop talking that
Blah blah blah
Think you'll be getting this
Nah nah nah
Not in the back of my
Car-ar-ar
If you keep talking that
Blah blah blah blah blah
Boy come on get your rocks off
Come put a little love in my glove box
I wanna dance with no pants on
Meet me in the back with the jack and the jukebox
So cut to the chase kid
'Cause I know you don't care what my middle name is
I wanna be naked
But your wasted
~Ke$ha (Oh dear God.) - Blah Blah Blah
No, Kesha with a dollar sign, the only thing wasted were the aural neurons that just committed seppuku after hearing that crap. Just look at the title of the song, just look at the fucking title!
For the love of God, next!:
Wake up in the mornin' feelin' like P- Diddy (Hey what's up girl)
Grab ma glasses I'm out the door I'm gonna hit the city (Let's go)
Before I leave brush ma teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cuz when I leave for the night I ain't comin back
I'm talkin pedicure on our toes toes
Tryin on all our clothes clothes
Boys blowin' up our phones phones
Drop top and playin' our favorite CD's
Goin up to the parties
Tryna get a little bit tipsy
Don't stop, make it pop
DJ, blow my speakers up
Tonight, Im'ma fight
Til we see the sunlight
TiK ToK, on the clock
But the party don't stop no
Woah-oh oh oh
Woah-oh oh oh
~ Ke$ha - TiK ToK
The best part can't even be grasped in text format. That part where the music slows down like your audio system just died...oh Kesha with a dollar sign, you're so clever. We get it, your ability to convince people that the crap you come up with and belt out while hungover has earned you hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of dollars. That doesn't mean you should turn said crap into a breakdown of your creative process.
Speaking of which, next:
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know
I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go
I'd rather be at home with ray
I ain't got seventy days
Cause there's nothing
There's nothing you can teach me
That I can't learn from Mr Hathaway
I didn't get a lot in class
But I know it don't come in a shot glass
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'no, no, no'
Yes I've been black but when I come back you'll know know know
I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go go go
The man said 'why do you think you here'
I said 'I got no idea
I'm gonna, I'm gonna lose my baby
so I always keep a bottle near'
He said 'I just think you're depressed,
this me, yeah baby, and the rest'
~ Amy Winehouse - Rehab
Now keep in mind this was pretty much the breakout hit for Ms. Winehouse, her starting point if you will. That's right, she started at having rehab recommended to her. Those of you that are familiar with this song probably think she should have gone. Those of you that have seen her perform it know she should have.
Alright, I'm going to stop now before I start getting into the Black-Eyed Peas and this article triples in length. But you can help stop this trend by donating your dollars to...actual musicians.
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl, I ain't no hollaback...SON OF A BITCH!
Brick Stew, Dios Mio!
In an effort to keep my writing muscles intact and, more importantly, get paid I recently signed up as a contributing writer for a site that offers "how-to's" on various computer technical troubles. What I failed to realize, however, was just how low their writing standard was. While my actually getting hired should have been a sure sign, I don't think anyone could have foreseen that writing at such a standard was actually required. Let's review:
January 31, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: How To Increase Virtual Memory
February 10, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
This message is to inform you that you have submitted that article: "How To Increase Virtual Memory", and it is awaiting your editor's review.
February 10, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Brick,
This message is to inform the editor that Willard had this to say: I believe it should be "the article" rather than "that article" but you're the editor, I'm just trying to help!
February 11, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
You are correct, the correct word to use would be the rather than that, thank you.
As for your article, we here at Brick Stew Dios make no assumptions or judgments about our readers or their intelligence, we simply attempt to answer, to the best of our ability, the questions that they present to us. We prefer that they come to us, and our staff of experienced writers, rather than sifting through the millions of results a Google search would return.
Thank you for making most of the requested edits, but I ask that you make the key phrase present 6-10 times within the body of your article. Also, if you could break down the process into a larger number of steps so that it is easier to follow it would help your chances preventing another round of edits. Again, you can refer to the 'how to write a how-to' guidelines.
February 11, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Brick,
Ah yes, I see your point on the Google thing. Why get multiple options to choose from when you can get a template that has been filled in by a "freelance" writer? Good call. Anyway, I hereby resubmit my article with the requested edits that include the "key phrase" throughout the article and also entirely forgoes the format of thematically coherent groups of sentences (also known as paragraphs) in favor of a numbered list.
February 11, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
I am not sure if you are taking this position seriously. If you do not wish to be part of, and get paid as, a member of the Brick Stew Dios writing staff then please do not waste our time. If you wish to continue to contribute articles to Brick Stew Dios please edit your article 'How To Increase Virtual Memory' in accordance with the Brick Stew Dios How-To guidelines and resubmit.
February 11, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
My sincerest apologies, Lord knows I couldn't live without the $8 a week Brick Stew Dios pays me for my contributions as a freelance writer. Please find the latest version of How To Increase Virtual Memory enclosed, I think you'll be quite pleased.
How To Increase Virtual Memory.
February 11, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
Brick Stew Dios has decided to release you from your responsibilities as a contributing writer. We thank you for the work you have done and wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
February 11, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Brick,
Does this mean that you have accepted my latest draft of How To Increase Virtual Memory?
February 12, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Hello?
January 31, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Increasing the size of virtual memory in a PC is something that has, thankfully, not changed much from Windows XP to Vista to 7. Something else to be thankful for is that it remains fairly easy to change in all three operating systems.
First, you need to open up the system properties, so go into the control panel. From here things can vary slightly depending on the operating system. For Windows XP open "Performance and Maintenance" For Windows Vista/Windows 7 open "System and Maintenance." Once there, click on "System." You'll know you're on the correct screen if it displays information about your system such as Processor, Memory(RAM), etc. Alternatively, you can right click on the "My Computer/Computer" icon (on either the desktop or Start menu) and click on "Properties" to bring up the same screen.
In Windows Vista/Windows 7 you will need to click on the "Advanced System Settings" option on the left side of the window. This will open the System Properties, XP users will already be in this window. Click on the "Advanced" tab and under "Performance" click the "Settings..." button. Once the "Performance Options" window has opened, click on the "Advanced" tab once again and you will see a section for "Virtual Memory," click the "Change" button to alter the Virtual Memory settings. Under Vista/7 you will need to uncheck the box that says "Automatically manage paging file size for all drives" otherwise all of the options will remain grayed out.
You can now select a hard drive (if your system has more than one) and set a custom size, set the virtual memory to be system managed, or remove usage of virtual memory altogether by clicking the "Custom size" "System managed size" or "No paging file" circles, respectively. The only way to directly affect Virtual Memory is to use the "Custom Size" option. "Initial Size" sets the minimum size of your virtual memory, while "Maximum Size" is just that. Adjusting maximum size will increase the amount of hard drive space that will be dedicated to virtual memory. You can force your computer to use a larger amount of virtual memory from the start by increasing Initial Size, but chances are your system doesn't need more if the "System managed size" option hasn't set a higher amount on its own. Size is measured in Megabytes (MB), so keep in mind that 1,024 MB equals 1 gigabyte (GB), 2,048 MB equals 2 GB, 3,072 MB equals 3 GB and so on. Once you have made the desired changes click the "Set" button and then "OK." You will be notified that a restart is required before the changes will take effect. Once the system has been restarted your new virtual memory settings will be active.
February 10, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
This message is to inform you that your submission of the article: "How To Increase Virtual Memory" has been rejected, and you will be able to make edits and resubmit it. Your editor had this to say: Thanks Willard! Just a few notes. Your article was rejected for the following reasons: -Your Keyphrase "How To Increase Virtual Memory" should be in your first sentence and 6-10 times within the body of your article, word for word. -Please review the 'how to write a how-to' article guidelines for proper formatting. -Please use the "insert numbered list" tool on your toolbar to number your suggestions. Thanks! Once you have edited with these changes, your article will be approved.
February 10, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
My sincerest apologies, this was my first article after all. I should have realized that when writing a how-to aimed at someone incapable of following instructions unless they are preceded by a number or finding the answer to their question by typing it into Google I would need to use the type of writing one normally leaves behind in the third grade. I shudder to think of how often during the past ten days this poor, simple soul, unable to find an answer to his desperate quest, has awakened from nightmares of being accosted by a yellow bubble with the dreaded text "Your virtual memory is low." Please find my re-write with the requested edits below
How to increase virtual memory in a Windows PC. Increasing the size of virtual memory in a PC is something that has, thankfully, not changed much from Windows XP to Vista to 7. Something else to be thankful for is that it remains fairly easy to change in all three operating systems.
- First, you need to open up the system properties, so go into the control panel. From here things can vary slightly depending on the operating system. For Windows XP open "Performance and Maintenance" For Windows Vista/Windows 7 open "System and Maintenance." Once there, click on "System." You'll know you're on the correct screen if it displays information about your system such as Processor, Memory(RAM), etc. Alternatively, you can right click on the "My Computer/Computer" icon (on either the desktop or Start menu) and click on "Properties" to bring up the same screen.
- In Windows Vista/Windows 7 you will need to click on the "Advanced System Settings" option on the left side of the window. This will open the System Properties, XP users will already be in this window. Click on the "Advanced" tab and under "Performance" click the "Settings..." button. Once the "Performance Options" window has opened, click on the "Advanced" tab once again and you will see a section for "Virtual Memory," click the "Change" button to alter the Virtual Memory settings. Under Vista/7 you will need to uncheck the box that says "Automatically manage paging file size for all drives" otherwise all of the options will remain grayed out.
- You can now select a hard drive (if your system has more than one) and set a custom size, set the virtual memory to be system managed, or remove usage of virtual memory altogether by clicking the "Custom size" "System managed size" or "No paging file" circles, respectively. The only way to directly affect Virtual Memory is to use the "Custom Size" option. "Initial Size" sets the minimum size of your virtual memory, while "Maximum Size" is just that. Adjusting maximum size will increase the amount of hard drive space that will be dedicated to virtual memory. You can force your computer to use a larger amount of virtual memory from the start by increasing Initial Size, but chances are your system doesn't need more if the "System managed size" option hasn't set a higher amount on its own. Size is measured in Megabytes (MB), so keep in mind that 1,024 MB equals 1 gigabyte (GB), 2,048 MB equals 2 GB, 3,072 MB equals 3 GB and so on. Once you have made the desired changes click the "Set" button and then "OK." You will be notified that a restart is required before the changes will take effect. Once the system has been restarted your new virtual memory settings will be active.
February 10, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
This message is to inform you that you have submitted that article: "How To Increase Virtual Memory", and it is awaiting your editor's review.
February 10, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Brick,
This message is to inform the editor that Willard had this to say: I believe it should be "the article" rather than "that article" but you're the editor, I'm just trying to help!
February 11, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
You are correct, the correct word to use would be the rather than that, thank you.
As for your article, we here at Brick Stew Dios make no assumptions or judgments about our readers or their intelligence, we simply attempt to answer, to the best of our ability, the questions that they present to us. We prefer that they come to us, and our staff of experienced writers, rather than sifting through the millions of results a Google search would return.
Thank you for making most of the requested edits, but I ask that you make the key phrase present 6-10 times within the body of your article. Also, if you could break down the process into a larger number of steps so that it is easier to follow it would help your chances preventing another round of edits. Again, you can refer to the 'how to write a how-to' guidelines.
February 11, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Brick,
Ah yes, I see your point on the Google thing. Why get multiple options to choose from when you can get a template that has been filled in by a "freelance" writer? Good call. Anyway, I hereby resubmit my article with the requested edits that include the "key phrase" throughout the article and also entirely forgoes the format of thematically coherent groups of sentences (also known as paragraphs) in favor of a numbered list.
How to increase virtual memory in a Windows PC. Increasing the size of virtual memory in a PC is something that has, thankfully, not changed much from Windows XP to Vista to 7. Something else to be thankful for is that it remains fairly easy to change in all three operating systems.
- First, you need to open up the system properties, so go into the control panel. From here things can vary slightly How to increase virtual memory depending on the operating system. For Windows XP open "Performance
- and Maintenance" For Windows Vista/Windows 7 open "System and Maintenance." Once there, click on "System." You'll know you're on the correct screen if it displays information about your system such as Processor, Memory(RAM), etc. Alternatively, you can right click on the "My Computer/Computer" icon (on either the desktop or Start menu) and click on "Properties" to bring
- up the same screen. How to increase virtual memory
- In Windows Vista/Windows 7 you will need to click on the "Advanced System Settings" option on the left side of the window. This will open the System Properties, XP users will already be in this window. Click on the "Advanced" tab and under "Performance" click the "Settings..." button. Once the "Performance Options" window has opened, click on the "Advanced" tab
- once again and you will see a section for "Virtual Memory," click the "Change" button to alter the How to increase virtual memory Virtual Memory settings. Under Vista/7 you will need to uncheck the box that says "Automatically manage paging file size for all drives" otherwise all of the options will remain grayed out.
- You can now select a hard drive (if your system has more than one) and set a custom size, set the virtual memory to be system managed, or remove usage of virtual memory altogether by clicking the "Custom size" "System managed size" or "No paging file" circles, respectively. The only How to increase virtual memory way to directly affect Virtual Memory is to use the "Custom Size" option. "Initial Size" sets the minimum size of your virtual memory, while "Maximum Size" is just that. Adjusting maximum size
- will How to increase virtual memory increase the amount of hard drive space that will be dedicated to virtual memory. You can force your computer to use a larger amount of virtual memory from the start by increasing Initial Size, but chances are your system doesn't need more if the "System managed size" option hasn't set a higher
- amount on its own. Size is measured in Megabytes (MB), so keep in mind that 1,024 MB equals 1 gigabyte (GB), 2,048 MB equals 2 GB, 3,072 MB equals 3 GB and so on. Once you have made the desired changes click the "Set" button and then "OK." You will be notified that a restart is required befo How to increase virtual memory
- re the changes will take effect. Once the system has been restarted your new virtual memory settings will be active.
- How to increase virtual memory
February 11, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
I am not sure if you are taking this position seriously. If you do not wish to be part of, and get paid as, a member of the Brick Stew Dios writing staff then please do not waste our time. If you wish to continue to contribute articles to Brick Stew Dios please edit your article 'How To Increase Virtual Memory' in accordance with the Brick Stew Dios How-To guidelines and resubmit.
February 11, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
My sincerest apologies, Lord knows I couldn't live without the $8 a week Brick Stew Dios pays me for my contributions as a freelance writer. Please find the latest version of How To Increase Virtual Memory enclosed, I think you'll be quite pleased.
How To Increase Virtual Memory.
- Enter the following phrase into Google (www.google.com): "How To Increase Virtual Memory" without quotes.
- Click on a link to the result of your choice.
- Follow the instructions.
February 11, 2010
To: Willard
From: Dios, Brick Stew
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Willard,
Brick Stew Dios has decided to release you from your responsibilities as a contributing writer. We thank you for the work you have done and wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
February 11, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Dear Brick,
Does this mean that you have accepted my latest draft of How To Increase Virtual Memory?
February 12, 2010
To: Dios, Brick Stew
From: Willard
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: How To Increase Virtual Memory
Hello?
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