Exclusive Parking

If there's one advantage to working an overnight shift in a hotel (besides the extra $1 per hour and the freedom to watch Psych on DVD) it's the opportunity to see just how prolific the Stupid epidemic has become. The disease rears it's moronic head most readily when the issue of parking arises.


For some unfathomable reason people seem to think that I have the ability to instantly manifest extra parking spaces. I can understand going to the desk and saying "There's no parking spaces left, where should I go?" to some extent as there may be some question about reserved spots and street parking. What I fail to understand is repeatedly asking "where am I supposed to go" as though the answer is going to change from "I'm apologize but you'll have to find a spot in the street," to "There's an available parking spot right in front of your room," if you just ask enough times or use enough volume.

On woman, who seemed to be suffering a particularly advanced case of Stupid, altered her tactic by asking if the hotel had any backup parking that I wasn't telling her about. Ahhh yes! The secret backup parking lot. The one cordoned off with velvet ropes that we only allow guests who know the password to use. That's why it wasn't mentioned any of the previous 7 times you asked me where to park, because you didn't say "parking sesame." It's very exclusive parking and you just don't look like the kind of clientele that we allow to use our secret lot. It's also guarded by a large bald man named Cliff who is armed with a clip-board and what I like to call "prisontude" so don't try anything sneaky.

Her symptoms seemed to advance further at that point, because she said, and I may be paraphrasing here for fear of infection (Stupid can be transmitted through the ear canal after all): "Do you understand how ridiculous this is? All you can tell me is I have to find a spot on the street? Can you at least tell me what the parking laws are?"

Ummm, if it says "No Parking" don't park there? Do you want to go find a spot, take a picture and then send it to me so I can tell you if it's OK to park? Do you understand how ridiculous this is? If someone has reached such an advanced stage of the disease that the concept of "parking lot full" is that far out of the realm of their comprehension, I highly recommend they take the prophylactic step of NOT REPRODUCING.

That is all.